Via Self-Inquiry the "I" ofas awareness was illuminated at the end of December, 2007, after a year of intense meditation and self-inquiry. The book I retired from the world with was . Since then, that which looks out upon the world places little investment in the dealings of or the intellect as being truthful, in comparison to the paradigm of Absolute Truth that opened up of it's own accord.
Since the body remained, the words absolute, absolutism and absolutist have come up for investigation. They are not easy, if not impossible, to accurately and operationally define.
The paradigm that opened up is of the nonlinear, of conscious awareness that is a priori (existed first) to all else. God is Truth, out of the unmanifest of the nonlinear, out of consciousness without form, comes the manifest world of form that is recognizable by the senses, or the information processors of the mind.
To be-Not to be
... and so on
And notice the nonduality of consciousness itself that is 'a priori' to life', that is behind, beyond and all encompassing of perception; the silent Self that observes, directs, and loves its existence unconditionally
The way of love is not a subtle argument.
The door there is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling, they're given wings.
"Soul mates know that Love is the meaning of always" ~ Epicera
provided the madness is given us by divine gift."
(And isn't all of life a Divine Gift...)
At the outset of the year 2007, I self-identified completely as a loving mom, a loving wife, loving daughter, sister, niece, worker etc. I was profoundly connected to my family, my profession, my education, yet I was also deleteriously connected to the belief system that one must suffer for love.
By the end of that year, all of those connections related to suffering had virtually disappeared and an exploration of love as the 'a priori' to life itself began.
With the surrender of duality, I realized that "I" was all things in action, yet, no thing, in Reality. "I" was not the roles nor the programs I'd believed myself to be, I was not the 'ups' nor the 'downs' that occurred in life when the programmer of programs dissolved in a few weeks of freedom from thought itself.
In December 2007, after about a year of retreating to my bedroom with the book with an interest in pursuing spiritual enlightenment, something shifted in consciousness that forever changed the way life is viewed.
I realized, with profound clarity, that "I" am not an ego, that ego is an operating mechanism, it's an editor, a story-teller; it's the programmer of programs, the buyer of software. But it is not the source of life, it is not the hard drive that plays that software.
"I" am an infinite being and cannot die, only the programming can die, or change, or be transcended altogether.
Everything was realized to be happening spontaneously, of it's own accord. It was recognized that there is no "doer of deeds", nor "planner of plans" that existed within the programming, as something greater was witnessed to be aligning the show. Each moment was infinite, expanded, all-inclusive of everything that ever was, and ever will be; without the bought programming as the locus of my beingness, I was absolute freedom of expression.
Consciousness expanded and there was a view from space that arose internally, where it was noted that we only become separate when we identify as a body on the surface. From space, the Earth is only one cell amongst an entire universe of cells. The ego, the programming that says we live on the ground, in houses, with an assortment of attachments and aversions; with such limitations, was noted as a limited aspect of consciousness.
"i", as in my limited ego self, have no idea what this thing called life truly is beyond the experience of duality, beyond the programming of science, of intellect, of society, of religion, of all programming available. The essence of God is akin to the vast emptiness of space that seems to be nothing, but is inclusive of everything. Perhaps surprisingly, the view from space was not lonely or exclusive, but expansive and inclusive. I'd never felt more "at home".
The presence of God fully illuminated the body as being an attachment to form, as separation from the love of God, perhaps a way to communicate God's love, but little else. It was noted that the body serves many functions, and is indeed a great gift, yet, it's not necessary for existence and actually can be a block to peace, if it is viewed as all there is to life. Once it's function is served here, once it's karma story has been fulfilled, the body becomes no longer necessary. And this is comforting when we think of death, to know that it's not the end of life.
In that state, everything was apparent. There was a sharp sense of clairvoyance. There was a knowingness of past lives and future events on the horizon; everything was happening spontaneously of its own accord and it was there to see when one looked. With the "view from space" as I called it, nothing was hidden.
Compared to what I used to be- a devoted mother, a student of social work, someone who thought deadlines, words, commitments etc mattered, or held any semblance of meaning, it appeared as if I had completely lost it, gone bananas, taken a giant leap over the edge of sanity itself. From this perspective, I'd never been more sane. Yet, this misconception brought massive chaos and upheaval to my life and to the lives of those who love me for a period of time, and it brought an otherwise sane personality into the realm of mental illness vs mental health. It seemed the experience was described as either one or the other, depending on who was being spoken too.